


In So Deep

by nevereverever



Series: Three Thirds Make A Whole [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crying, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Panic Attacks, the babes are sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 21:20:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7700071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevereverever/pseuds/nevereverever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn't go away immediately. It stays with them. John tries to recover, and Alex and Eliza try to help. They try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In So Deep

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends! This is some fun Elams, part of my continuing Elams series. This mostly makes sense without having read everything else, but it will make more sense if you read the other stuff. Enjoy!!!

John always hated the way they cry in movies. Delicate and polite. Not too loud, no puffy bloodshot eyes, just cheeks stained with tears dripped on by an eyedropper. He would always complain about it when they watched movies. It doesn’t seem real, he would grumble, it just looks fake.

John thought about the people crying in movies when the world slowed down, when he saw the man draw his gun from across the street. He wondered if Eliza and Alex would cry over him quietly, delicate and polite. 

He wondered if anyone would cry over him as he felt the bullet like a baseball bat to his chest. He wondered if he looked delicate and polite, his vision fading to black. If his friends would think he was a hero, or if they would care at all. If Alexander and Eliza care at all.

He felt his head hit the ground and he screamed, bolting straight awake. He kept screaming for a moment after his eyes shot open. After he saw the grey speckled ceiling of their bedroom, felt the blankets draped over him, felt Alexander and Eliza. He saw them wake up, safe. Safe. He was safe, he was fine, it was a dream. He knew it was a dream. He wasn’t scared. He stopped screaming and sobbed.

Not quiet and delicate and polite and demure like the movies. Loud and messy. In a way that hurt his throat and his head. Tears streaking down his face and dripping onto his lap. No wiping them away gently. He just sobbed.

Alex whispered to him. That was Alex, always talking, always having something to say.   
“John. You’re okay. You’re safe. I promise. You’re here with me and Betsey. You’re safe.” Alex whispered into his shoulder. But John knew he was safe already. He just couldn’t say it because sobs ripped through his throat like the bullet ripped through his chest. He couldn’t say anything.

Eliza just rested her head on his back and clutched his hand. She didn’t say anything, just let him cry unruly rivers into the quiet night. He wasn’t screaming, but he sure was close, and yet she was steady, a rock. He knew he was safe. That wasn’t why he was crying. Why was he crying?

“I almost left you.” He cried between big heaving breaths. Alex went still, his torrent of words quiet again. Eliza stroked his hand and sighed, pulling him down so his head was in her lap. Slowly, his sobs calmed, the tears abated, and John sat up, all puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks. Because this wasn’t the goddamn movies.

“Sorry,” he mumbled through his hiccups, burying his head in Alex’s shoulder at the thought of facing them both. With their concerned faces and kind hands and warm words. He didn’t deserve it.

“Don’t be,” Eliza said as she stroked his back, running her fingers down his spine like it was holy. “Nightmare?” She asked. John nodded as best he could.

“I just relived it. I forgot how close I came to leaving. I’m sorry.” He couldn’t see either of them very well, but he knew they were exchanging sad glance over him, and he didn’t care. He just buried himself in Alexander’s shoulder, pressed his eyes shut. “I wondered if you would even care if I died. Right before I blacked out,” he pulled his head up and wiped his eyes, “I questioned whether you loved me at all. That could have been my last thought.” 

Another sob caught in his throat. It erupted from him, pulling with it a wince at the pain his chest. Eliza hummed into his skin, as if her warmth could save him from the pain.

“Lie down, mon amour.” She pulled him down to the bed and kissed him on the forehead. John obliged and closed his eyes, mulling her tone over in his head. 

“Aren’t you mad?” John’s voice lilted upwards, confused more than anything. Alex sighed and wound his fingers into John’s hair. 

“Of course not,” he said, his voice was sad, like he was disappointed in himself. John nuzzled into his hand. “We would never be mad at you. Not for this, not for getting shot, not for having nightmares.” 

John nestled into the blankets and hummed his assent because he didn’t feel like talking. Somewhere inside of him, he knew they wouldn’t be mad, but there was a part of him that doubted that anyone loved him. 

John didn’t really want to go to sleep, but his eyelids drifted shut without his consent. Eliza had nestled herself into his chest and Alex had wrapped himself firmly around John’s waist. His eyelids were getting heavier, but he tried to focus on the feeling of his loves against him. 

He started to cry again, quiet this time, kinda like the movies. He didn’t want to wake them. Because they deserved better. Better than someone who put themselves in dangerous situations. 

“John?” Alex asked, his voice quiet and calm. John sniffled quietly and wiped his cheeks. 

“Yeah?” John tried to make his voice as strong as he could. He tried desperately to keep his voice steady.

“It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay John, you don’t need to hide from us.” Alex said, keeping his tone quiet and even. John took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. He let out a dry laugh as he wiped his cheeks again. He meant it to signal that he was fine, but it sounded like quite the opposite.

“I know. I know. I’m just confused? Why aren’t you mad at me? I constantly put myself in harms way, I get myself shot, I make you stay home and care for me, skip work. I don’t understand.” John let the words tumble out without a filter, without thinking and almost immediately regretted it.

Eliza spoke first. “John. You aren’t a burden.” She repeated it. You aren’t a burden. You aren’t a burden. She repeated it. She told him he wasn’t a burden until he believed it, at least a little bit. She held onto him and told him as he cried. Alexander was quiet again, just placing a gentle hand on his back.

“I love you.” John said through his tears.

“We love you too.” Alex said with a small smile.

“I’ll be okay.” John said quietly, squeezing Eliza’s hand.

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Feel free to comment if you liked it. Elams is my jam and I will be writing some more sooon.


End file.
